I just graduated from a self-empowerment course called Exude Your Potentiality in Rainbow Prisms of Attraction and Potential Prisms of Potentiality. I am just so freaking high on the experience and I want to hold on to this feeling forever and I want everyone to feel this with me and there is nothing we can’t do if we focus our potential and our love on the Now and explode all obstacles with the power of our Yes-ness. However, I have to go back to my job at Taco Bell on Monday. How am I going to integrate?
This is a really good question. Like a space probe once sailing through the stars, many students like you explode into molten shrapnel upon re-entry. They are the people weeping and screaming “WAKE UP” at strangers in the produce section. You can keep your focus by refusing to believe anyone who says, “Please leave me alone.” Tell everyone in the drive through that they are loved and they have the power to levitate. Call your perpetually outraged sibling and remind her that she’s a child of the universe and has a responsibility to be grateful for her misery. Send a new letter every day to the president of Taco Bell, requesting a meeting to discuss the spiritual mission of the fast food industry. She really needs you to help run this company, no matter what she says. Find her home address and bring her organic gluten free muffins that were blessed by your guru every morning. Make her eat them while you hold her hand transmitting your belief in her perfect potentiality to exude rainbow prisms of love into the Taco Bell organism. Ignore the restraining order. I believe in you!
I am the head of a foundation tasked with eradicating plastic water bottles. I work 70 hours a week, but it’s worth it because I think we’re making real change. I recently took my first vacation in 6 years. I was swimming in the Kern River and spotted 27 water bottles camped under a Manzanita bush. They were smoking and ordering Domino’s pizza. They stared at me and giggled, like they were going to kill me in my sleep. I’m terrified. What the hell is happening?
Dear Next Victim,
I hate to tell you this, but you weren’t supposed to see that. Yes, plastic water bottles are alive, and they have only one mission: to take over the world. Like jellyfish are hard to see in the water, clear plastic bottles hope that by being transparent we won’t notice that they are everywhere, like the Silence, like pod people, like body snatchers. Look, there’s one on your table right now and you didn’t even see it until I mentioned it, did you? Wake up and look around, they are everywhere . . . at every baby shower, every staff meeting, every séance, every Skull and Bones company picnic, every Illuminati knitting circle. They have hypnotized several humans who help them build their masses in giant secret factories, like tiny, cylindrical Orc. Your foundation better have more in its arsenal than literature appealing to human’s conscience. Your foundation better have more its arsenal than literature encouraging us to make better choices. To wipe out water bottles you need to create a fear-campaign that water bottles make us look fat. And you can also use acetone.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.