My doctor just diagnosed me with a condition called papershredia. I really don’t want to take the meds. What are my options?
Sincerely, Anxious Cat
Dear Anxious Cat,
I totally understand your reluctance to take pharmaceuticals. While they are sometimes the very best choice, they are often more trouble than they’re worth. You must choose which nuttiness you are willing to live with. Take the meds and stop shredding paper, but get side effects like drooling, kerosene flatulence and leprosy. Or simply live with papershredia. Schedule weekly “special time” in your bedroom with a ream of recycled paper from Office Max. Let go of the shame. Become a spokes-cat for the condition. Get t-shirts made. Host a telethon. Maybe even start a foundation to fight papershredia . . . That would require a lot of paperwork.
There’s this girl at work who thinks I’m her therapist. The minute I clock in she corners me and starts telling me all her problems. I don’t want to be rude and it seems like she really has serious trouble in her life and needs someone to talk to. But I can’t get my work done. What should I do?
Emily the Unwilling Service Dog
Your coworker is a psychic vampire. These creatures can reside in any host body: a dog, a human, and especially pot-bellied pigs. While real vampires sink their teeth into your arteries and suck your blood, psychic vampires sink their stories into your head and suck your attention. Rather than leaking O- blood, you are leaking attention and sympathy, and she’s sucking it up like a 1200-watt shop vac.
If you want to get your work done, you are going to have to stop leaking. And you can’t just pretend to be disinterested – psychic vampires can smell guilt like a hog on a truffle hunt. You must actually stop caring. This does not make you a rude person. Would it be rude to stop offering your jugular to a hungry bat? Yes, she may need someone to talk to, but it doesn’t have to be you. There are professionals for that and they bill hourly. Next time she corners you, look extremely bored, sigh a lot and just say “wow, that’s rough. I hope you get some help with that. I gotta go watch cat videos now.”
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.