I am learning to crochet! It’s really fun! Most spiders are naturally adept at spinning webs, but the designs are too traditional for me. I’m trying something new. I showed it to a few friends but they got scared. Why are some people afraid of art?
Sincerely, Spider Dali
Dear Awesome Spider,
You should totally sell that thing on Etsy! Did you know there are knitting and crochet clubs in many cities? However, be aware of some social rules: Crochet circles welcome knitters, but knitters consider crochet on par with drinking Schlitz on a couch on the side of the road. Also, crochet people roll their skeins into balls, which keeps the yarn from tangling, while knitters leave their yarn in skeins and use tangles as a way to mercilessly judge one another. The best way to get kicked out of a Knitters circle is bring food from Costo. You may crochet at a knitting circle, but only if you are making a pretentious baby hat.
As far as those people (and arachnids) who are afraid of art . . . you should totally eat them.
Dear Jethro The Answer Cat,
Dear Bird Brain.
I suspect you may be sleep walking, or in your case, sleep falling. Yes, some sleep aids can allow you to sleep as deeply as we all did in fifth period algebra class. However, some can induce a zombie-like state . . . just like a fifth period algebra class. Victims of this reaction fall asleep in bed, only to get up and “do” things at 2am, while still completely asleep in their heads.
These people can unconsciously fall down and hurt them selves, or unconsciously order the complete Motown Music collection on 13 LPs or cassettes. Or unconsciously drive to In and Out and eat three double doubles with 6 sides of animal fries, which you’d know is a lot of calories if you were awake in algebra class. I recommend you lay off the drugs for a while. Try going to bed with an ipod. Listen to a lecture about the molecular structure of vanilla shakes. If that doesn’t work, you may simply need to surrender to the insomnia and begin building a time machine in your basement.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.