Dear Jethro The Answer Cat,
I was born a Lop Eared Rabbit. I lived that way for most of my life but always felt like I was in the wrong body. As a child I used to prop my ears up with popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners. I spent an entire year with my ears pulled through holes I chewed in the top of a Dodger’s baseball cap. This was the only cap I could find, and I’m an Angels fan! This did NOT help with my identity issues. Anyway, after a year of research, I finally decided to get surgery. I just have to say that I feel so much better. I hop into any room now feeling confident and authentic with my stand up ears. And my fur is growing back nicely since I’m no longer dealing with duct tape.
Sincerely, Brand New Bunny
Your letter never asks a real question, but I can assume your true query and will do my best to answer it here: Tabloid photos suggest that yes, the Anaheim Angels mascot, known as “The Rally Monkey” does indeed prefer to date rabbits with stand-up ears. By the way, the new ears are GREAT! They look totally natural. I’m serious.
My human won’t play fetch with me any more. I don’t know why. Aren’t I pretty enough? Sure I’ve put on a few pounds since the baby, but I’m still a dog, aren’t I? I still have needs. I try to figure out what she wants. I’ve brought her sticks, balls, water bottles, small electronics, the baby. I even ordered some of those disgusting things off the internet, but they smelled weird so I ate them. How can I make her love me again? We used to go for long walks on the beach. She would throw her boyfriend’s car keys far far into the ocean and I always brought them back. Honestly, if I don’t fetch something soon, I might chew my tail off. Then she’ll notice me . . . Oh yes. . then she will have to notice me.
I am sending you the name of an excellent psychoanalyst. Make an appointment. Right now. For both of you. Please.
Dear Jethro The Answer Cat
I hope you can help me. I am in love. One day last year, I had a nightmare. It was so real. I dreamed that I was supposed to DO something with my life. It was horrible. Suddenly a giant man in black swooped down from the sky. He comforted me and assured me that I was put here on this earth to sleep on newspapers and computers. Who was that man, Jethro?
We’ll never know his true identity. All we can do is swoon and carry on. Go sleep on every laptop you can find. That’s what he’d want.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.