Chicks ruin everything. They NEED you to finish every sentence. They expect you to wear pants. They yell when you draw boobs on the television screen with a sharpie.
However, your buddy is embarking upon a very important part of growing up and there are traditions that must be honored. I see that you are a bird, but dog analogies work best for this tutorial:
First, the girlfriend will try to be one of the guys. This is fun. It’s a lot like having a puppy in the room. She will eat stale pork rinds out of the bag and she will laugh when you fart. Enjoy this phase. It’s short.
Enjoy the lobster roulade and white chocolate soufflé that she will make for every game. However, do NOT touch the plates and napkins she will attempt to weld into your hand. Even if she makes soup, you must treat it like salsa and scoop it onto tortilla chips directly from the bag. If she pours the chips into a bowl, they cease to exist.
One day, with a tied score and 30 seconds and no time outs left, she will perform a Tennessee Williams monologue for your buddy in the kitchen. This is the worst day of his life, so be sure to laugh.
When the beautiful border collie finally realizes that you are not sheep but actually slightly overweight wolves, she will stop hanging out with you. Realizing that she can’t civilize the entire group, she will attempt to civilize your buddy. This is excruciating to watch. In fact, don’t.
Remember, it is important to not discuss any of this. With anyone. Ever. We don’t talk about fight club, and we don’t talk about domestication.
Now, go buy your buddy a collector’s edition of Three Stooges DVDs. And if the girlfriend asks you about your buddy’s exes, tell her that he used to date a French cat who’s currently serving time for killing a man.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.