Dear Answer Cat,
I think I’m going insane. Most cats hate water, but I jump in the bathtub any chance I get. Sometimes I dream that I’m flying underwater, catching silver sardines and fluttery shrimp as I sing in ancient Greek. When I wake I am filled with ennui. My days are pointless. I lie on the stone patio and feel utterly lost.
Dear Aqua Kitty,
I have good news and bad news. Good news: You are not insane! You are a mythic creature thought long extinct: a Mer-cat. You have magical powers! With a throaty purr and a swish of your fluke you can bend the will of middle-aged women, longshoremen, and softshell crab. You are descendant of a race of aquatic felines that ruled the oceans in Poseidon’s time.
The bad news: You are incredibly tasty with tarter sauce.
Dear Jethro The Answer Cat
My name is Effron Salizar. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. I work for a major movie studio here in L.A. I have created blockbusters that have made millions. Last week I pitched a new story to the studio about a young Vulture with acid reflux who must confront the forces of corporate greed to show the world that carrion eaters are the unsung heroes of the environmental movement. The protagonist also meets a lobbyist with a heart of gold and together they teach the brain dead audience the true meaning of Christmas. The studio suits laughed, Jethro. They laughed! I am surrounded by small minds. What is an artist to do?
I feel your pain. All creators must choose between Art and Product. An Artist makes bold and honest statements, but lives in the janitor’s closet at Olive Garden. A Producer has a condo on the beach but must make macaroni necklaces and call them “art” with out screaming and clawing their own eyeballs out.
Since you are “employed” you are producing Product. A frighteningly large percentage of consumers have the imagination and courage of potato bugs. You must write for them. Buy yourself a case of champagne to wash down the shame.
Dear Jethro The Answer Cat
We held our annual Anti-Penguin-Defamation conference on a beach in Southern California this year. Never again! This guy was everywhere. He was drunk. He ruined every shot. Can we send him a bill for what he will cost us in lost prestige?
Dear Social Media Learners,
Don’t you KNOW who that guy is!? He’s a fixture at the Santa Monica Pier. Did he sing Margaritaville for you? He lives on a houseboat that is basically a crash pad for all the sea lions in the bay. You guys should have stopped by; his fridge is always stocked with cold beer and he makes killer guac. He gets 300,000 “likes” for every photo he posts. Tag yourselves in those photos ASAP and ask yourself if he really “ruined” those photos or if he just gave you millions in free advertising. You should send him a bottle of Don Julio and a case of sardines.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.