I ate a green banana yesterday and now my tongue feels weird. I’ve tried everything, but I can’t stop making that annoying smacking noise. How long is this going to last?
Sincerely, Gagging Monkey
Ah, I’ve heard about this banana thing. In fact, we cats get a similar sensation from cottage cheese. It’s like your mouth is lined with shag carpeting pulled up from the back of a hobo’s van. And there is simply NO amount of Jagermeister that will make it go away. We all eat things we wish we hadn’t. I once ate a “treat” that turned out to be one of my own hairballs left behind the couch from last winter. The only thing to do now is smoke a cigar. It wont take the taste away, but it will make your tongue vibrate a little and that’s kind of fun. Until you vomit. Then you’ll feel better.
Dear Answer Cat,
Look at me. I used to be beautiful. But my eyes are drifting all over the place and now I just look insane. What is happening to me? A girl like me is accustomed to a certain lifestyle. I refuse to be considered “cute.” I am regal damn it. Regal! I need this fixed NOW!
Enraged Beauty Queen
Dear Crazy Eyes,
Your eyeballs are connected to your brain by a bunch of cords and they can get tangled like ipod earphones. Since you can’t fix them yourself, you’ll need surgery. In your case it’s considered cosmetic, so you’ll need to fake a brain aneurism to use insurance. Before the doc gives you that AWESOME gas, casually ask him to check out your eyeball cords while he’s under the hood. Humans do it all the time. I once knew a girl who billed her insurance for knee surgery with a side of liposuction. As far as your “lifestyle,” you may want to go outside and eat a grasshopper once in awhile. Go back to the old neighborhood. Get back in touch with your roots. Real cats don’t hang out in potted plants, unless its to eat them.
Dear Bird Brains,
That “hole on the side of the road” is called a storm drain. These drains are actually little doorways to a parallel universe. Your ball passed through and is now being kicked around by three other ostriches who look just like you guys but they are nuclear physicists. Other things pass through these doorways too, like beer bottles, which end up in the hands of vegan cowboys. Apparently lots of balls fall through from this side, and the parallel universe is a nearing maximum capacity for balls of all kinds, except bowling balls. In an experiment in organic diffusion, an exact number of ostriches pass through to this side. So, now you’ve got to ask yourself: Where the heck are you actually supposed to be and was that ever really your ball?
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.