Dear Answer Cat.
Dear Tingle Butt,
You appear to have a situation on your hindquarters, commonly referred to as a bunnyion. If you need to wear a backless prom dress within the next few weeks, you can have it surgically removed, but it will eventually fall off on it’s own. Bunnyions are usually harmless, but this one looks particularly large and tenacious. You may need to roll in some fish guts behind a Bennihana to dislodge it. Don’t be ashamed. The stigma of Bunnyions is lifting. Many dogs have learned to live successful and fulfilling lives after having Bunnyions. Cats, however, have not fared so well. They tend to chew them off.
We were at the Farmer’s Market yesterday and a hedgehog sold us some artisanal clover. It was very expensive. He said it was organic and gluten free. We’ve been barfing like nuclear penguins for 16 hours now. It feels like my skull is about to explode and my ears are on fire.
Sincerely Gastro Bunnies
That hedgehog (code named Wild Bill) has been selling his special clover at markets all over California. Federal agents try to arrest him, but he’s just too adorable. His product is indeed dangerous. He is harvesting that clover from public parks. It has been soaking in a marinade of pigeon poo, squirrel slobber and toddler sweat . . . all of which is indeed organic and gluten free. Your only hope now is to ride out the storm. Drink plenty of ginger ale and Cup O Noodles. And next time you go to Farmer’s market just get the Kettle Corn like the rest of us.
Dear Jethro The Answer Cat,
I was adopted by swans when I was a baby. I’m OK with that. I love my Mom and Dad. But now I’m getting curious about my birth parents, and more to the point, I want to know what I “am.” Where do I even begin?
Dear What Ever You Are,
How do your swan parents feel about your quest? Swans are notoriously jealous types and prone to drunken hissy fits at 8 o’clock in the morning. I would keep your quest a secret for now.
You could use Ancestry.com. Maybe your ancestors came here on a creaky wooden boat and wore pork pie hats. However, you look like the offspring of a kangaroo mouse and a T-rex. Your parents probably met at Burning Man. It’s possible you are actually a hallucination. Good luck with your impending existential crisis.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.