Dear Jethro,
I am a tortoise with Tourette’s. This only seems to be a problem when I am trying to communicate with my fellow torti. Sometimes it takes a while for the hissing and squeaking to come out, and my shell shakes every time I do this.
Are there any support services for tortoises with Tourette’s that you know of, in Eastern Chad? If not I am happy to Skype with my paw.
Sincerely,
Terrence the Tortoise
Dear TTT
Tourette’s can make you feel crazy because you can often feel an outburst a few seconds before it happens. And in those seconds you may try so hard to stop it that your eyeballs explode and it’s STILL going to happen. That’s a lot of work, Dude. You have my empathy.
I did some digging and found a support group in Eastern Chad. It’s in the basement of a Unitarian Church run by some Honey Badgers. They also host anger management groups for Grassland Pygmy Gerbils. Those guys have issues.
As far as the hissing and squeaking, disguise it as modern dance. Of course you’ll have to get a pretentious haircut to pull it off.
Breathe.
Dear Jethro,
I’m small. Really small. Probably smaller than you. I’m constantly 
afraid of being squished by people or German Shepherds. I shake with fear because everything is big. Are there steroids for little dogs or will I be forever terrified? Or should I get Prozac?
Thanks,
Charlie Chihuahua.
Dear CC,
I’m 11 pounds, so we may be the same size. However, I am pure muscle. I do yoga and Cross-Fit. I suspect you are more like a soup chicken than a cat. I know this statement does nothing to help your self esteem but it did wonders for mine.
So, moving on. Your fear is well founded. Larger dogs often mistake the “toy” breeds for . . . well . . . toys. I once saw an English bulldog bury a Pekingese in the backyard along with a red lace thong she stole from the laundry hamper.
I do not recommend ‘roids for any dog. They’ll make you gnaw your own leg off. Instead, move to Phoenix where a roving gang of wild Chihuahuas is currently terrorizing suburban strip malls. These diminutive canines have found strength in numbers. Apparently a mountain lion recently wandered into their camp in a Home Depot parking lot and was trampled to death. Go find your pack and rage on Chuck!
Jethro, Shalom
I have been typecast because of my unfortunate name. I am expected to eat Kosher food and constantly tell the story of the Israelites’ escape from Egypt. I’m not even Jewish. What should I do?
Perry the Passover Possum
Dear PPP
Wow, this is seriously messed up. I can only assume you were adopted into a Jewish home. Or you may be wearing a tin-foil yarmulke and picking up instructions from the mother ship. I’m going with option number one.
When your parents introduce you to their friends as “Perry The Passover Possum” flash a cryptic finger sign and say “I’m going with ‘Triple P’ now.” Tell your friends if they ever again ask you how to say dirty words in Yiddish, you’ll make them WISH they were only playing dead under the bougainvillea.
You have not mentioned an alternate faith. Do you currently practice another religion? My understanding was that opossums are traditionally Baptist. Either way, get some therapy.
Hi, I’m Jethro. I take questions from all animals,
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.
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