It’s amazing to me. I simply eat too much. And I eat really healthy. Just too much.
I’ve been tracking diligently for the last couple of weeks. I see my patterns now (again!), and I’m eating too much at the later part of the day (again!) and even though I pre-track most of my food (again!), I somehow get too hungry and eat too much towards the end of the day (again!). Even though what I ate earlier in the day is filling, rich in nutrients, very low on carbs, high on protein, good fat and full of fiber. Yes, during the day I’m fine.
I lose it in the late afternoon.
Do you know I council people about these challenges 12 meetings a week? I know that people experience “decision fatigue” after 4:00pm and are therefore more likely to sort of lose the ability to make positive choices, which is why I pre-track my dinner. I know that I am hungry a few hours after dinner, which is why I tell people to plan a positive snack for that time. I know all these things and yet….AND YET!!!!!
I’m so mad.
You see I have an addiction. I’m addicted to food. Unfortunately my addiction also tells me I’m actually hungry when I’m eating. You see I feel hungry a lot. I’m RELIEVED when I don’t feel hungry. I play with my hunger. I have to intellectualize my hunger. I have to check in and say, “Now are you really hungry or do you just feel hungry?”
What’s the difference?
Sometimes my hunger is a signal I get when I’m actually feeling something else, like anxiety. I’ve made the connection that my hunger signals are actually a coping mechanism I developed in my youth as a survival strategy in response to a highly dysfunctional family and when I ate I soothed myself.
As an adult, I don’t respond to my hunger by sneaking ice cream, I just eat too much.
Oh yeah, and I do like good chocolate and wine.
I keep plugging away. I keep working at a weight loss company. Perhaps I keep working there because I’m still trying to cure myself? Will I be able to move on, once I lose the weight? Does the weight keep me stuck where I am?
When am I cured? When do I finally get my brain to change?
I’m so frustrated. I’m so tired of this addiction. I’m so tired of trying so much.
Time to make a healthy breakfast.