I Am Angry at My Body —
Look, I don’t eat badly. At all. I’ve cut down wine, sugar to occasional amounts. I eat vegetables and protein for 90% of my diet with little grain and fruit. I eat healthy fats and my one addiction is coffee with soy milk creamer. I have changed my relationship with food. My body doesn’t seem to know that.
After “trying” this last week…planning three low-cal dinners, weighing my turkey, even deciding yesterday to do some Tai Chi for the first time in a year, eating veggies, bringing my food to work, and downing a bottle of water…I’m up 3 1/2 pounds from last week. I am working constantly to “manage” my weight while managing my life. I squeeze in down time, and right now I’m working very, very hard with multiple projects.
I do not hate myself. But I do loathe my body. Not for the way it looks, but for how it constantly betrays me. That is how I feel this morning… Betrayed.
Look I know, I eat too much and move too little-I know what you’re thinking. I eat too much of the “right” foods and I am still, still not moving enough. I only spent like 12 hours on my body and it’s needs last week and if I don’t double that number, nothing seems to work. Do you have 24 hours a week to work on your body? I don’t.
I can also relay the science here of how it has determined that if I, who has been on a diet since I was 13, try and lose weight compared to someone my height, age and who weighs the same tries to lose weight, I can eat about 1/2 the calories to lose weight than the person who has never dieted. Great. Are you able to eat 1/2 the calories? How about day after day, month after month? Without drugs? I don’t think so.
Then we can talk about the science of Cortisol…I have lots. We can discuss Leptin the hormone that tells you about feeling satisfied or Ghrelin the hormone that tells you about fullness. My Leptin and Ghrelin don’t seem to work so well. I’m always hungry. I eat and an hour later I can eat again. I always feel hungry. So I ignore my body’s signals. I know they are not the truth. I can’t be hungry. But try feeling hungry, day after day, ignoring those signals day after day and tell me if you can sustain that feeling and ignoring it day after day? Without drugs? Yeah.
Today I am so angry at my body. I imagine it is similar to what someone feels when they find out they have a disease. I’m not ill. And I appreciate my body for all it does for me. It really keeps me going. It loves and hugs deeply. It gives me immense pleasure and it lets me experience my life in wonderful ways like walking on the beach.
But I am still very angry. I am still very betrayed. And I feel very alone in my struggle. I feel very isolated because I can’t do any better and make the last week’s choices suddenly go away. I can’t exercise more last week. I can’t track better last week. I can’t drink more water last week. Last week is gone.
So each week, after another betrayal at the scale, all I can do is reassess and decide another course of action. I’ve decided we’ll have fish and vegetables tonight. I’m going to get 10,000 steps in today. Drink a bottle of water and try, try again. I can’t seem to completely give up. It’s not in my nature and of course it’s not cohesive with my profession. But know, that I want to give up. That I want to say, “Oh fuck it. “ If I’m going to gain 3 1/2 pounds, it would be nice to do it on quality chocolate. It’s not worth gaining weight on protein and vegetables. Give me a break!
But I also know that as much as I study and research my difficulty, I have blind spots and I have scheduling problems and there is something out there I haven’t figured out yet in my relationship with my body. And curiosity is the hope that keeps me going each week, after week, after week.
So I will remain curious this week. I will try something new. I will attempt to strengthen my habits of water and exercise, and I will try, try again.
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