This will be my last column for a while, as I am about to go to India! I will be filing reports from the field occasionally, because in India the calendar is redrawn every time a cow coughs up a water lily.
Why would a small black cat go to India, you may ask? Have you seen the way animals live there? Rats run entire temples! They binge watch Game of Thrones all day while rolling around in piles of corn bread. Cows walk the streets dressed in drag while children sing to them. Roving gangs of monkeys are allowed to eat entire cities.
However, cats are second-class citizens in India. They are not permitted inside most houses. They can’t sleep with babies. They can’t even get the wi-fi password at tea houses. I am going with a group of feline aid workers to help unify the cats of India. We are determined to raise the standard of living for Indian cats. Our first challenge will be getting them to our meetings, as most cats can’t be bothered to walk to their own food bowls.
Of course while doing social activism, I will also be exploring India. I am especially excited to participate in Nag Panchami. This ancient ritual involves humans pouring milk on snakes’ heads. This is usually a closed event, but a lactose intolerant cobra has agreed to escort me, as long as I bring a case of soy milk from Costco.
Please take care of yourselves while I am away. I have grown very fond of my readers here in Culver City, even those of you who write me every day, insisting that I attend City Hall Meetings to speak on zoning issues. (I assume you are “dog people” as cats have no cultural reference for zoning. All zones are cat zones; especially any zone not intended for cats.)
All my best to you,