I just got the ax. I’ve been at this company for 23 years. I’ve been working toward the pension which kicks in for Officers after 25 years of employment. For every raise or title promotion they’ve made me re-apply for my own job. I’ve been stuck at VP of Swamp Management for five years. When I petition for an Officer title, they ask me to bring in a wildebeest from a competing company in my spare time. I’ve done it three times. Every time I do, they say it wasn’t the “right” wildebeest. But they eat it any way.
They’ve hired a new person to do my job (and the job of six other people who’ve also been fired). They are holding my severance package hostage unless I teach her how to do the job I created and built from scratch. She’s coming in as CEO. She is 23 years old.
Seriously Pissed Off,
You have three options: First, you can sue the company for age discrimination and cannibalistic greed. I don’t recommend this, because the only way to “win” is to get your job back. They may be forced to put you back on payroll, but you’ll be VP in charge of a stagnant mud sucking death pond populated with snarky leaches who will make jokes about you in Klingon.
Your second option is to adopt the newbie as your secret weapon. Give her flow charts of all the Officers’ affairs, fetishes and food allergies. I know you have them. You can control . . . er . . . mentor her via skype from the spa hotel swamp in Indonesia. Its basically like playing Minecraft. You will be the Grand Manipulator and she will look at you with awe and respect rather than laugh at you over cosmos as she would in the first option. Give her just enough information to scare the hell out of her new bosses. Tell her you’re proud of her. NEVER lend her money, but once a year send her a $500 scarf.
Your third option is to eat her. I’ve heard that in alligator world, Type-A, driven, over achievers are especially crispy. I’ll send you my recipe for chili lime mayo.
Enjoy your early retirement!
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.