What the hell? I moved hundreds of miles to get away from this stuff. Seattle was miserable. The laundry never actually dried. There were mushrooms growing in my carpet. Have you ever hung out in an elevator with a bunch of wet people? There is no deodorant designed for the special armpit brew of sweat and black mold. I was fat, drunk and depressed six months out of the year. I was injecting coffee directly into my eyeballs. And the worst part was I actually thought I liked folk music. How long is this supposed to last? If one more person says, “Ohh, this is so cozy” I’m going to barf up a sea lion.
One Very Angry Pig
According to the National Weather Center, this current rain will only last one more day, but the damp and gloom will last another four days. By then your serotonin levels will be lower than a rapper’s pants.
Serotonin regulates mood, carbohydrate cravings and shoe choices. For most people, poor serotonin production manifests as melancholy: a deep and irrational sadness accompanied by cravings for twice baked potatoes and Amy Goodman’s NPR broadcasts. But for some, such as you, low serotonin manifests as rage. In Alaska, this malady has been successfully used as a legal defense for beating your neighbor with a sturgeon
Have faith. The light will come back. Your socks will dry out. Until then, go to the mall and find a Cinnabon. Stay away from the DMV. Resist the urge to bludgeon a parking meter or punch a clown in the throat.
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.