Jethro The Answer Cat here with a remote report. This week I am out of town at a quiet spiritual retreat called The Excalibur on the Las Vegas Strip. I’ve been here 36 hours and somehow I’ve started smoking again and I’m wearing a fanny pack. But I’m up $420.
I came here to attend a trade show dedicated to the businesses of licensing, trademark, copyright and publishing. I am here to find a syndicate to help make this weekly advice column a larger business.
Yesterday I met with representatives of a very prominent syndicate. They were warm and encouraging in a very New York way; meaning they did not kill me. They growled, “Yeah, this is kind of funny and yeah, we might show this to someone else who might give a rat’s eyeball . . . or not. Now scram.”
But the big news of this trip is that GRUMPY CAT IS HERE!!!! Her staff (power drunk Mini Dobies with clip boards) said she was taking meetings until 2:30, but by 1:00 she got “tired” and had to go to her hotel room. What a diva.
So, since I had an hour to kill, and apparently an instant pack a day habit, I went outside for a smoke. While there I spoke with a pigeon. He was eating a pound of French fries, a stick of fried butter and a cinnamon roll the size of a tractor tire.
Jethro The Answer Cat: So, what brings you to Vegas?
Eddy the Pigeon: I was born in Ojai, California. I grew up in the courtyard shared by a massage therapist and a crystal healer. But I couldn’t take it: the hushed voices, the smell of sandalwood, the quinoa salads. One day I heard a woman say, “These birds are here for you. They absorb your pain and lift it onto the wind and take it back to the Goddess.” Freaked me out. So I came here.
Jethro: What part of Vegas do you call home?
Eddy: I mainly hang out in the Freemont District. It’s where the real action is.
Jethro: What real action?
Eddy: Everyone is so drunk they drop their food, meaning more for me. Sometimes I eat a crumb or two that taste funny, they make me chirp a different pitch than usual and then I get sleepy. It’s fun. Also, they serve deep fried Twinkies down here. My cholesterol is high and my self-esteem is low, but my taste buds are at a rave. But there is some danger here. I once ate a cigarette butt. I almost threw up . . . and birds can’t even do that. My head would have exploded.
Jethro: Since you are a local now, do you still marvel at all the glitz and glamor of the Strip?
Eddy: Nah. But I do still marvel at the people. Every day people pay about a hundred and fifty dollars to be strapped to a giant rubber band and pushed off the Stratosphere. I love to fly right past their face as they hit maximum speed. They scream like chimpanzees and have a complete fit in mid air. I swear that NEVER gets old.
Jethro: Any advise for other birds who want to visit Vegas?
Eddy: Yeah. Don’t eat sequins. They are everywhere.
I’m Jethro. I take questions from all animals,
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.