The Skinny – Amy Brunell

Who do I want to be 2015?

I hate those pesky resolutions. They seem so important, but after years of failing to accomplish goals, I’ve lost my nerve to be brave and state what it is I want. But last year, I did set a goal of reading more than one page before falling asleep. And I am reading more. I’m giving myself permission to get into bed earlier or sit on a chair and just read. So hooray, I did what I said. Perhaps I can do it again?

This year a few newer desires have been weighing on me. I feel less afraid to to work towards what I want. I’ve debated with myself for too many hours against accomplishing tasks that help me forward. These desires also represent deep fears of success.

Recently I’ve been working with the concept of being a lover of myself. What would someone who loves themselves deeply, hope to accomplish? What would be added and what would be dropped away? This work is causing me to question the way I hold myself back, how I sabotage myself and how I can gently move forward out of the stuck places that reside within my psyche.

Perhaps if I say out loud my intentions and state what it is I expect of myself, perhaps I can accomplish more this year than just “thinking” about all my dreams.

I asked for a smart phone for my Christmas present. I hate smart phones. I hate the amount of time it seems everyone around me donates towards it’s use. But I believe it is a tool to lead me to what I truly want. Seems a small sacrifice if it helps me move forward with my career.

I’m planning to access social media to further my footprint. Based on what happened at Sony this month, it seems almost ironic that I want to get out there when “out there” can seem so treacherous. How not to expose too much? How to take a calculated risk and perhaps in the end, do something great?

I am finally, finally actually losing weight. I started giving up things like sugar and alcohol the end of last October. I am clearly focused on what it is I want and finally, I was able to give up my stuck places, i.e. eating moderately and hoping to lose weight. My body doesn’t do sugar and heavy carbs well. So for awhile to get what I want, I can say “no.”

I want to look at any photo of myself and like myself. But the decision to finally get radical and do something took literally years to arrive to. My therapist asked me “Why now?” I think the pain of trying so hard month after month, year after year and having nothing working to lose weight, made me realize that I am willing to give up more food choices to get what I want. We choose our pain. I’m choosing to eat less choices to get a result that I want.

I am going to write and give myself planned times to consistently write. Nothing ever gets done just thinking about it. I must schedule.

I’m also scheduling exercise. I would like to increase my capacity and have goals for increasing endurance.

I will continue to create clear spaces within my home. My goal includes having rooms with low clutter. (I thought of saying “zero clutter,” but that isn’t my life.)

I have specific emotional/development goals to further my spiritual development as a woman. I’m currently researching the Goddess archetype and how I can use the energy of the feminine to find further understanding of myself.

That is enough, probably too much. But if I write it, being brave enough to make the commitment by sharing it with all of you…then perhaps some of my dreams will come to fruition.