Yo, Jethro! Shelly Blaisdell

unnamed​Dear Jethro

We are getting ready for the big talent show. It’s gonna be awesome. People are gonna freak when they see us eat a leaf while holding a shoulder stand and twerking upside down. Our choreography is totally on point. We’ve been practicing every day for months. But there’s this one girl in our group who is a total diva, just because she has two extra back legs. She insists on being in the center and snaps at anyone who comments on her sloppy bobbing. She’s late to every rehearsal but constantly whines that she’s the only one who is really eating the leaf, which is so not true. She’s a big faker. Can we cut her from the act?

Amber Fuzzyrump, Dance Team Captain and Heather Scruncher, Dance Team Co-Captain

Dear Catty-pillars,

If you cut this girl she will instantly become one of the judges at the talent show. And I don’t mean Paula Abdul. She will become a caterpillar version of Simon Cowell. She knows all your moves and all your personalities. The other two judges will gush about your precision inch looping and give you high scores. She will say, “Amber I see you still haven’t nailed that grand-jete and Heather, have you put on a few pounds?” She will give you a 2.3 and she’ll insert the phrase “girl group” at least 6 times.

Don’t cut her from your act. Instead start an aggressive twitter campaign about her “courage” to dance in spite of her nearly crippling rhythm disability, Zumbexia. You will become famous (for 15 minutes) for your patience and compassion. At the last minute switch out the hip hop track for Bette Midler’s “You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.”

When the judges read your scores, tear up and say “We’re just so happy that we could help Tiffany realize her dream.”


Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.-2
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.


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