Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh. My. GOSH!
Everyday I stand at the window and I’m appalled. I don’t know how it happened, but there are OTHER DOGS out there! Walking by my house no less! How can this be? I thought I was the only dog! How can there be other dogs? This is a travesty! To show my displeasure I run from the window to the side gate when I see one and I bark at them! They ignore me. It’s all very upsetting. Why, Jethro, why are there other dogs?
Lola, the best dog ever.
I hate to break it to you, but there are indeed other dogs in the world. And you are in for even more shocking news: not all dogs are like you. Some of them openly love cats. Some of them don’t keep Kosher. No need to be appalled. Your life will get fuller and more fun if you learn to accept them. However, you are not required to love and accept ALL other dogs. Some vote for candidates that eat their own offspring. You don’t have to get along with them.
Ask your human to take you to dog-park. This is going to blow your mind. At first the other dogs will rush at you like the Dallas Cowboys forward line. A few will immediately ask you to like their facebook page. One will offer to be your Sponsor and another will tell you all about her allergies. But most only want to sniff your butt.
Why are you under house arrest? Try to remember what happened last year: Did you get dirty or did you eat a baby? Do you have an ankle monitor? Do you need someone to chew it off? I know a guy . . . .
I just got a letter from my cousin in Peru. He told all about his life in the Andes. He wears beautiful colored ponchos and a cool little bowler hat. He knows a bunch of folk dances and he speaks three languages. I feel so culturally bereft here in the states. My life here in LA as an actor seems so shallow now. I’m considering moving back to the motherland. What do you think?
Bored American Pig
I Googled “Ginnea Pigs in Peru” and found this Wikipedia statement: Guinea Pigs “play a role in traditional healing rituals by Andean folk doctors, who use the animals to diagnose diseases. They are rubbed against the bodies of the sick, and are seen as a supernatural medium. Black guinea pigs are considered especially useful for diagnoses. The animal may be cut open and its entrails examined to determine whether the cure was effective.”
And that’s not all Pat . . . Yes, the Peruvian children dress your friend up in swanky costumes, but remember that’s wool he’s wearing. Wool is evil. Wool is made of tiny monsters made of live glass shards. And after the dress up party, your pal is headed for the dinner table. And I don’t mean as a guest with his own finger bowl.
Don’t disparage life here in the States. Your life doesn’t involve hallucinogenic beer made from moldy corn or ritual full moon barbecuing of your cousins. That doesn’t mean you have no culture. It means you are alive to complain about your privilege. Congratulations!
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.