Yo, Jethro – Shelly Blaisdell

-2Jethro, The Answer Cat here . . . This week I have time for only one question, because the limo is here to take me to Grumpy Cat’s estate. Apparently GC is headed for rehab. He’s been hitting the catnip everyday, eating vegan dog food and he’s currently burrowed into a laundry hamper, singing old Neil Diamond songs. Deepak Chopra and I are going to talk him down and get him some help.

My regular column will resume here at the awesome Culver City Cross roads next week. And you can check out my previous columns at theanswercat.blogspot.com/

-1Dear Answer Cat,

A few days ago I stopped into my favorite mud hole for tapas. My friends were doing worm shots and they pressured me into doing a big one. I didn’t really want to, but I wanted to be cool. Now I’ve got a nightcrawler caught in my throat and it’s really uncomfortable. My wife is giving me no end of grief and I’m missing work. What should I do?

Sincerely, Gagging Amphibian

Dear GA,

Do you have dental insurance? Get yourself some teeth. They are dead useful. Way way back on the evolutionary path, your ancestors decided it was better to gulp gelatinous flounder eggs than to nibble crunchy little hampster toes. I suspect they were totally high from licking each other.

You are missing out on the best part of eating, my friend. Imagine the delicate crunch of a cricket’s spine. And imagine the swooning sensation of warm mouse innards exploding in your mouth under the firm but delicate pressure of your finely sharpened incisors. With just a pinch of pink Himalayan sea salt, a common garden roach is like New York City street food.

You are not the only one to suffer this gastro blight. Did you know that owls swallow freaked out little field mice whole, with no hollandaise sauce, then barf up a wad of superglue and bones a week later? Those guys have the WORST acid reflux.

Anyway . . . regarding your current blockage, you’re going to have to beg your wife to eat the other half. Tell her you’re reenacting the scene from Lady and The Tramp, when those dogs “accidentally” slurp the same string of spaghetti. Your wife might fall for it, but you’ll still have to buy her some jewelry when this is all over.

Good Luck. And get some new friends, or get a back bone, you are not some invertebrate.

The Actors' Gang

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