Dear Jethro,
My kid asked me where babies come from. I tried to explain it, but realized I don’t even know. Can you help?
Pat the Banana Slug,
Dear Pat,
When a mommy slug and a daddy slug love each other very much . . .
OK, here are the basics: Slugs are hermaphrodites, meaning they are both equally repulsed and fascinated by zombie movies.
First, a slug must find a mate. Since dark moist earth is hard to find in the city, they now meet most often on line. “SBS seeks same for mutual ST” translates to Single Banana Slug seeks same for Slime Transfer.
Once they have lied about their height, weight and income and agree to meet, they begin writhing over one another. During this time they bite each other’s faces while simultaneously extending their . . . ehem . . . bananas.
After days of research, I found volumes of information about the terrifying and mighty banana and only vague reverences to a “genital opening.” I recall a similar information disparity in my college studies of human behavior.
Two days after their date, one of them will send 15 drunk texts to the other in all caps. Three days later, each of them will hide about 30 eggs in a small, dark place, usually in the glove box of a Mini Cooper.
Of course not all slugs are Banana Slugs. Fraternity folklore tells of a species of slug which aggressively flings its sperm in the vague direction of other slugs.
So, good luck explaining this to your kid. Believe it or not, this was much easier than the conversation I had in a bar one night in Tennessee with a drunk and belligerent stork.
Hi, I’m Jethro. 
I take questions from all animals,
even Banana Slugs.
I’m here to help. And you know you can trust me,
because I have an awesome soul-patch.
Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.
Be the first to comment