Yo Jethro!

Dear Jethro,

I have been the Supreme Overlord of two humans for several years. Now they are considering adopting another cat. They have not consulted me. Should I pee on their bed?

Sincerely Drama Queen Kitty.

Dear DQK,

No, you should not pee on their bed. But you should definitely pee on the new cat. Humans do not understand the subtleties of our language. While you and I know that peeing on their bed means “You have offended me.” They’ll think it means “My brain is a kumquat and I’ve lost my mind.”

Do the obligatory hissing routine, then surrender to the fact that this guy is going to be in your way for a while. But never let him forget that you were there first. Don’t let him have the remote. You may smoke in the house but he has to go outside. Yak up hairballs the size of public housing into your minion’s laundry hamper. Then run away for a day. Oh, and give the new guy a condescending nickname, like “Sir Fartsalot.”

Dear Jethro,

I am Doberman-American. I don’t see my breed represented accurately in mainstream media. I mean, seriously, we are not all guard dogs and some of us are even gentle souls who like to lick bunnies. To whom should I complain?

Sincerely Bad-Ass-Killah

Dear BAK

OK we both know this has nothing to do with media representation. Let’s talk about your bunny licking problem. Seriously, how often are you licking bunnies? Does your bunny licking interfere with your responsibilities? And more importantly, where are you finding these bunnies who like to be licked by guard dogs?

If you are truly bothered by the public perception of Dobermen, then be the change you want to see in the world. Find a willing rabbit, say . . . a Flemmish Giant Fuzzy-Lop, and step out of the shadows together. But start with small gathering of trusted friends. Don’t groom your special bunny at a tractor pull. Set yourself up for success, Bad Ass. Write back and let us know how it goes.

Yo Jethro,

Ok. I am one of 12 siblings. This is really hard to admit, since I’m a meerkat and it’s, like, in my genetic code to be all social, but I really can’t stand these guys. I’m supposed to love the constant presence of 27 cousins, but half of them are dumber than carrots and the other half won’t stop giving me advice I don’t need. Does it really take all 27 of us to track one freaking beetle? I can’t even pee without some guy skipping up to say “How it’s hanging?” (same guy every single time.) How can I get everyone to just back up about 8 inches?

Sincerely,

Kat Needs Space

Dear KNS,

Since your cousins are not going to be deterred easily, your only hope is to join a multi-level marketing business, like “Millipede Supplements.” Constantly gush about the product and find ways to work the business into every conversation. Guilt everyone into hosting sales parties in the burrows of those wealthy rabbits in the next valley. Use lots of words like “potentiality” and “utilize” and “cutting edge millipede gut squishing technology.” I promise all your cousins will begin inching away. And when that guy talks to you while you’re peeing . . . shriek “Aliens Probed me!” and whip around to face him.

Submit questions for Jethro via his website: www.TheAnswerCat.blogspot.com.
This column will be posted there one week after its publication here in the absolutely awesome Culver City Crossroads.